Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Internet faking

So I've reached that point in my life...where I would like to have SOMEONE interested in me. The old Asian man in Vodka Revs does not count, neither does 'Andrew' who sent me a video on WhatsApp of a pornographic Harlem Shake (no joke, I still have the evidence) after I met him in a club in Piccadilly.

I decided it was time to go on a dating website. I haven't been on many dates, so I thought it could be fun, apart from I don't think I have the balls to actually meet these people..I joined the free one, well because, paying for dates is a bit like prostitution..and I also really dislike the idea of a figure leaving my bank every month. My friend had joined the same website before Christmas and is all loved up with this new man. He also took her to Harrods for lunch...just saying...

So basically, my internet dating life went live last night. I've been talking to two guys, one of which looks like a hottie in his pictures. It has to be the most shallow website ever, I've already vetoed the following:

-Women
-Women that think they are men
-Men that think they are women
-Men that take pictures of themselves with their tops off
-Men that pout
-Men that have one hand in their boxers
-Men that have usernames such as 'il_make_u_cum_bbz' etc...
-An excessive amount of grammatical errors. A little unfair I admit, therefore there is some leeway..
-Men with thin, gorgeous blondes with them in their picture (that really won't sell)
-Men, and women for that matter, that feel the need to tell me their fetishes in the first message they send (did you know spanking was back in?)

However, since being a 24 hour internet dater, I have learnt from my own mistakes...

-Men do not like it when girls describe a tropical disease they picked up.

Yup.

I did.

"Oh, I see from your pictures you went to Thailand- Did you go to the Full Moon Party?"

This is the point where I should have replied a simple: "Yes, it was very enjoyable"
However, I felt the need to tell him how I slipped in the sea and cut my foot. I then went on to describe that I spent the next day in a wheelchair in Bangkok Airport. Put it this way, I definitely used the words 'disgusting', 'flesh eating' and 'crusty'.

No reply after instant messaging.

Hey ho...it can only make your stronger!


Monday, April 8, 2013

Anxiety Killed the Bear

So the reason nothing has been posted on here is due to an overwhelming feeling of anxiety that my anonymous blog was no longer anonymous. This was mainly due to the housemate I referred to in a previous post making a number of comments regarding issues I had discussed previously....I could only assume she had taken my laptop, figured out my password, knew I had a blog, found that email address and password and then logged on...Of course I knew this couldn't be the case, so decided she was able to read my thoughts. I even asked a friend if it was possible for my texts to be going to her phone as well as the person I was meaning to text...What can I say? I'm a 'check the hair straighteners are off 20 times before I go out' kinda girl....

I also think the fact that I have now started my dissertation has probably resulted in returning to the Blogger world...


Nothing exciting has particularly happened. Although the mentioned housemate is now an ex-housemate due to a recent move. I've been in my new house for just under a week now and enjoying a large bedroom and a lovely wooden desk to spread my mess. I have become really unfit recently so have decided to attend '1000 Calorie Boot Camp' tonight with my new housemate. Most of the instructors are ex-army, I think I'll cry if they shout at me. That is, if I have any tears left after watching One Born Every Minute yesterday when the baby died. Seriously- why would you televise this to the nation's broodiest ladies?!


I went out Saturday in all my finery with my new housemates. I ended up doing laps of the club on the hunt for some hunks. The only flaw with this plan was that a friend of my housemates came with me...she was totally gorgeous. Literally every guy I spoke to ignored me the minute they saw her, and I became invisible. A super power I always thought would be nice to have to spy on people, but to be used when and where I wanted. One guy actually felt the need to come up to me "your friend is gorgeous', he said drooling. Yes. Thank you. worstpersontohaveasawingman.


C'est la vie...x

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Waiting for a moment of inspiration...

So I've never written a blog before. The few that I do read are recommended by friends and are all so brilliantly written, I never thought that mine would be worth reading...

A good friend of mine, who is also a whizz-kid with technology suggested I started writing a blog. I'm still not sure whether it's because my life is laughable right now and Bridget-Jones like, or because we both need free entertainment. I've decided to take it as a compliment anyway.

When she suggested writing it, I felt quite excited at the prospect of writing whatever I liked on the internet without anyone ever knowing who I was. I also wouldn't have to deal with thinking-no-one-can-see-what-you're-saying-because-you're-drunk-on-Facebook situation either. That's not good.

So I'm unsure as to where to begin writing, I guess a small intro would help. I have recently become single after a two year relationship. It was a good relationship, the type where people told me how lucky I was all the time. Both of us were great together, but the relationship just wasn't what it was anymore. There was no 'zest', if you know what I mean. It was a mutual breakup in the end (I'm sure everyone says that about breakups though?) and we're both still in contact. I am so proud however, that no drunken phone calls have been made or desperate texts have been sent.

So since then, I have to say, I've been really happy. A completely selfish kind of happy, but I don't care. Since the breakup though, I have come to learn something about myself: I am completely boy-mad. I'm not sure if this is just a phase and I need to get it out of my system after a long relationship. But, I really really like boys.

It also doesn't help that a good friend who lives down the road from me has also recently been through a breakup, so together, I think we come across almost ferocious towards boys on a night out...

We went out a few weeks ago to a local cocktail bar. I have never been one to flaunt my cleavage, I think because it is there every day and a constant reminder that I need to buy the most expensive bras to support my back and not look like two wobbly balloons underneath my sports tops. However, this night I decided that it was the night. I wore my tightest, blackest, most revealing dress going. I thought I looked great. It wasn't until later that I discovered an imprint of the dress all over my body. We were sipping (that's a lie- downing) our cocktails when we had enough confidence to approach two guys. One of them was quite good looking, the other one was....well not so much. We got chatting and that's when I made the decision that tonight was going to be the first night of my new single life.

We went to a crappy local club (which always seems so good at the time..) and I insisted on swinging this guy around the dance floor. I had managed to push the memory of my sister saying "Why do you dance like a scarecrow?" to the back of my mind, and we bumped and grind to...well probably Rihanna...

We all ended up back at mine and had jam on toast- not before the hunt for fried chicken or oily pizza though...My friend and this guy's friend left together, leaving only myself, my cleavage and this man in my living room. Nuff' said there I think....

Three days later this man had not text me. I was desperate, needy and couldn't stop thinking what I had done wrong. The worst part was I didn't even really like him, but it was the idea of not being wanted that upset me so much. I googled (I'm newly single, I don't know the rules, don't judge me) when is the appropriate time for a one night stand to contact you, or when you can contact them. Incidentally, I read a fantastic blog written by a girl with double my experience and it put my mind to rest. Well, not really but helped. So I text him in the end some rubbish text. Oh, but not before I went through it with every one of my girlfriends, double checking it was all a-ok. He sent back some lame, equally pathetic text and I realised then it had already lost its fun.

So the weekend after, I decided a different strategy. Hm...who lives close enough that we could have some fun..but far away enough that it wouldn't be awkward- agh I know, my neighbour who lives in the flat below me, who's front door I walk past several times a day. It was the perfect situation. I put it to the back of my mind that my housemate had attempted to get with him before and they were now no longer in contact. Mentioned earlier: selfish kind of happy. It was me and my sister, and we had managed to invite ourselves to my neighbour's 'lads night'. Excellent, there was no way it could go wrong. So after a lot of flirting, we all went to a club (ok, so the same crappy club as last week but locations don't really matter do they?) We danced, we did flirty things like holding hands behind his friends back. It was all sneaky fun, which is the best kind of fun. I should probably mention, that a few weeks ago I made another lame attempt to kiss this neighbour-man. It was one of those wake-up-and-immediately-remember-and-regret situations. If my memory recalls rightly, I had continuously rubbed my bottom into his crotch as we danced. I thought this was dead sexy until I told a friend at work, and she told me her dog does that when she's on heat. Oh. So I abandoned this ploy and went for the girly-don't-try-too-hard approach.

We ended back at his (so he basically walked me home right?!) and we were sat on his bar stools. I lent in and kissed him. He had some wandering hands and I quickly remembered "Oh, this..um...this isn't the best time of the...er..month.." We laughed it off and carried on kissing until he said "yeah, I really shouldn't be doing this either" which prompting me in saying "are you on your period too????". After a lot of hesitating and the obvious signs of him not wanting to tell me he says "I have a girlfriend". Oh. Exit Exit Exit (with a bit more kissing and a rather dirty conversation in between).

And this brings me to this weekend. Two good girlfriends came to stay and it was bound to be a messy one, especially when one of them bought a bottle of Cava. I only need to look at that and I'm yours. We went to a club (a different one further afield, hurrah!) and I weirdly bumped into the one night stand man. One of my girls said (several times, and to him if I recall) that he looked like John Travolta. Well, I was willing to be Sandy all night. We kissed a lot. We danced a lot. I even attempted to push my bottom into him and it worked (I really must stop doing that though..). At one point, I danced low. You know the kind when you think you look like Beyonce? Where you're basically squatting? Yup. He said to me "you look really hot when you do that". So naturally, I continued to dance 'low' for the entire evening. This may be the reason I was walking like an 80 year old the next day, however I managed to justify not turning up to 'Legs, Bums and Tums' today though. I text him the next morning (I was very good and stayed with my girls all night) as I thought, well, assumed, we were on a friendly basis now and rules didn't really apply. However, apparently they do and I never heard from him. Maybe he just never looks at his phone? Anything to think it was me....

And here we are. I have a week off work and all I want to do is get dressed up and get drunk. I even make sure I look nice to go to the local shops to get milk (just incase, right?). So I will spend this week thinking of boys and worrying about my increasing hunger for vodka, wine....well anything. Which is ironic, because that is when my bottom-pushing really increases too...You'd think I would want to stop- hey?